I'm feeling appallingly mediocre tonight. It seems like I can't do anything really well. (Please don't compliment me; this isn't a fishing trip.) I tried to explain this to Regis, and jumped down his throat when he tried to make me feel better, so I get to add "wife" to that list too. Earlier we talked about why so many great painters, writers, etc. were depressed, and I theorized that content people rarely try to change things. I'm hoping that this means my brain is gearing up to do something great. Like come up with the magic answer for potty training, perhaps.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Some Hatchings Hurt
I remember throwing a fit when I was a child, for some reason I can't recall, when my mother was helping me write in my journal and committed the heinous sin of writing the date on the page. I have no way of knowing why that was so upsetting, but I know I screamed and cried and scrubbed out the ink with an eraser before I was done. (I'm anticipating with delight similar episodes with my own children. Poor Mom.)
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6 comments:
I feel like that all the time Crystal. It's hard being a Mom, wife, cook, maid, etc... and the list goes on an on. When I find the correct equation to this whole motherhood thing I'll let you know. In the meantime why don't we treat ourselves to a lunch together sometime?
Can I still insult you?
Amber has told me that her artistic output was vastly improved when she was depressed, but that it's not worth the terrible life.
Let us know when you come up with the secret to potty training. Olivia has still not mastered the art of staying dry.
Dulcie, I'd love to do lunch with you. Email me or call and we'll get it set up.
Steven, I don't know what I'd do if you stopped insulting me. Who would fill the gap? Abby stays dry just fine, as long as I insist that she pee every hour and a half. I really wish she would be motivated to just go herself, or at least to answer honestly when I ask if she needs to go.
i think i cured that by "going into business". yeah, it's stressful and yeah, it's a lot to do, but i have my own projects. i have my writing projects, my photography projects and my networking. it fulfills me, it makes me feel important and in todays world, everyone almost expects it and makes room for it. so you can do it! and it might make you feel more alive. because quite frankly, motherhood is the most boring thing to do all day. it's good that i love my kids.
I think that as women, we are especially prone to this. I have definitely struggled with feelings of inadequacy off and on throughout my 25 years on the planet and they seem to have been especially highlighted by the magnifying lens of marriage. Men don't seem to get it. I don't know how many times I've tried to explain this to Spencer in the 2.5 years of having this job and the nearly 4 years of our marriage. Data entry is not exactly how I expected to be using my neuroscientist brain. It's incredibly boring and I can’t seem to keep up with the work no matter how hard I try. Compound that with a fledgling side business and a master’s degree in progress and it’s hard to feel like you’re doing anything very well because so attention/focus is so split. And then there’s the fact that I’m never home and for some reason our apartment still looks trashed and somehow even though I am the primary bread winner, I’m still also the primary home-maker as well. I haven’t been grocery shopping in over a month and I don’t remember the last time I made dinner. Add on an unfulfilled desire for children and to be able to quit my job to stay home with them while living in a ward where everyone is either pregnant or has and gaggle of children in tow and you’ve pretty much summed up how frustrated I feel about 99.99% of the time.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so blah right now though. Perhaps you should have Regis watch the kids while you go out for a girl’s night? I’d offer to babysit if I lived any closer…
Hey Crystal,
I'm sad you are feeling this way and I think you should to identify one thing that might make you more fulfilled and then do it. Whether its pursuing law school, making some money, making travel goals etc, planning how you will get to a sunnier place:) etc. Its so easy to worry about being a "good" wife and mother when in my opinion the most important thing for kids is a happy mom. There are too many martyr moms and not enough happy ones. If your kids have food to enjoy and clothes to play in and know they are loved, then i think the way you meet those needs is unimportant and the "good mom" worries matter less. There's more than one way to be a great mom. (stepping off soapbox:) sidenote: we should hangout soon:)
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